Ten years ago, I heard a four-word description in a speech that stung. And changed my life.
A speaker I heard a decade ago had a new take on people pleasing. She called those of us who tend to please others Controlling People Pleasing Divas. I’d never heard of her before. I’ve never forgotten her since.
I winced. I used to think pleasing people was something I did for others. I really did. But in reality, it’s also about controlling their reaction to us. We actively want them to be pleased, and we act in ways to get that reaction.
And then we do all sorts of extra things for them. We tell ourselves we are being kind or generous, and in the moment we are. But we also do it expecting thanks and recognition. When we don’t get that, because they really didn’t need or want us to do anything extra, something shifts. The generosity curdles. We feel unseen, then unappreciated, then resentful. The diva emerges.
I hated that description. I did not want to be controlling or seen as a diva. But that wince has been one of the more useful things that has ever happened to me. It made me start asking a harder question before I act: Am I doing this because it’s my role? Because it genuinely makes me feel good? Or because I am looking for something from this person that they never agreed to give me?
That last question is the one that changes things.
Julie