For the last few months, my back has been a mess, although the real problem is a nerve in my neck. I was in a bad car accident 40 years ago. It bothered me for about 10 years, then quieted down until it was barely noticeable.
Then I did one simple, ridiculous thing. I tripped over a shoe and twisted awkwardly. That was it.
But my body did not experience it as simple. I started feeling a sharp, persistent pain in my butt, like I was sitting on a knife.
Medication helped, and I went on with my life. Then I headed to a conference, stubbed my toe, and the same thing happened. Stabbing pain, this time on the other side. I hobbled through the conference like the version of myself I fear becoming at 90.
It took six more weeks to start physical therapy. By then, short walks had become difficult, and a simple flight of stairs felt like a marathon. That first session, starting with just eight minutes on a bike, nearly killed me. I did not like it. At all. I don’t like being inept at anything. But I kept going, because sometimes leadership is not about feeling strong. Sometimes it is about showing up when you feel anything but strong.
Part of what shifted my attitude was meeting an amazing woman named Ann.
Ann arrived midway through one of my sessions. Her son opened the center door, and a tiny woman came in with her walker. I guessed she was in her 80s. It turns out she is over 100, a professor who earned her PhD in math before I was born.
My first reaction was, wow. Here was a woman in pain and struggling, yet still looking to the future and working to improve. Then she asked to start on the bike. The therapist moved the walker aside and helped her get seated. Then Ann put me to shame: eight minutes, level 6, like it was nothing.
I think about her when the work feels heavy, when the needs keep coming, when the systems are slow to change, and when I am tempted to confuse exhaustion with defeat. After all she has lived through, Ann is still looking forward to more. If she can do that, so can I.
Julie
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